bright green.

my eyes are hazel. sometimes they look brown, and other times they are a mix of gold a green. however, when i am upset, they are an undeniable shade of bright green. i don't know when i first noticed that when i cry my eyes turn bright green, however, i do remember using the fact that my eyes were green to describe to my mom how upset i was when i was in elementary school... and she knew what i meant.

on saturday morning i found out some of the hardest news that i have ever heard. sean called me and told me in the middle of the night my granny called my dad and that they headed over to her house. my grandfather had a heart attack in the middle of the night and he passed before the ambulance got there. through broken voice he told me this, as he was talking the only thing i could do was scream and cry out. i still feel like that is all i want to do. i didn't know that it was possible to cry this much. i thought that surely your tear-ducts would just run out of tears... but they don't. i couldn't think. i had no clue what i was supposed to do. i called my mom and then called my dad. by the time i called my dad the only thing i could do was cry into the phone and tlel him that i was so sorry. i tried to ask for details, but at the same time i knew that i didn't really want to know. i didn't want to believe that it was true... i now that it is. but i don't want it to be true with every fiber of my being. after sitting in my apartment for 4 hours alone and sobbing i packed up some clothes, sent e-mails to all of my professors and cooperating teacher, and hit the road. i couldn't stand sitting alone in my apartment waiting.

i cried the whole way home. the four hours in the car seemed like a flash of time. i barely remember driving. by the time i got home i just got out of the car and sobbed. so many thoughts were racing through my mind and i didn't know how to act. i only knew that i couldn't help but cry. i went over to my dad's house later that night and sat with him and cried. i cannot imagine what the rest of my family is going through right now. i haven't been able to go see my granny yet, i have only talked to her on the phone. i can't imagine what it is going to feel like to walk into her house and know that he isn't there anymore. to be honest, i am dreading it. i want my grandpa to give me a hug and wrap his arms around me. but i know that he cannot. i am comforted by the fact that he is now in heaven. i know that God is sovreign. i know that He is in control. i know that He is the author of life. i know that He is getting the glory. i am still grieving. and mourning. i keep singing "great is thy faithfulness" over and over in my head. i sing out loud until i break down. i want to sing "it is well." my heart and head are saying the words, but when i try i cannot get them out. it is always easy to say, "God is in control" when you find yourself on the downhill side of a struggle and things are looking up... it is much harder to force yourself to keep singing that when things are hard. extremely hard.

i haven't been able to look through photo albums yet. i have one picture in a frame from my five year old birthday party with my grandpa. i am going to try and find more tomorrow. he has the friendliest face and clear blue eyes. i wish that in this picture of him and my granny you could see them.

i miss this man so much. i love this picture because he is laughing, i can hear the way he laughs when i look at this picture. it doesn't feel real. i feel like at any moment this is all going to be over. i know better. i know that it isn't. death is not the final word. sin has lost its power and death has lost its sting because of Jesus. i praise Him for giving me my grandpa. i love him so much. even though things don't make sense when i look at my perspective, i know that God has an eternal picture. he sees all in the blink of an eye. 

his funeral is on wednesday and the burial is on thursday at beaufort national cemetery. i know that things are going to feel real by then. i would ask that if you think about it, please pray for my family, specifically for my dad and for my granny. it is hard to talk to either of them. when i saw my dad every emotion came pouring out. i need strength. i am trusting in Him to get me through this and to hold me up.

do you not know? have you not heard? the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

-isaiah 40:28-31

right now, my eyes are still bright green. 

just a thought.

a change of perspective.

as i am writing this post, i have no idea what i am going to write. today has been, for a lack of a better word, rough. there have been crazy emotions, lots of tears, and honestly, for the most part i have just been wishing that i could crawl back into the solitude of my bed and hide under the covers to let the storm pass, however, that hasn't been an option- life continues to go on with or without my permission. which then brings me back to square one. timing. i have this problem, i would like to call it sin. because that is what it is. i am a sinner. i would rather take things, put them in a box, and then open them and arrange them how i see fit... but that is not the answer. i am not my rule maker. i am not the Perfect planner. i am not the Creator of the universe... thankfully, those titles have been fulfilled and that role is taken by Him. in all things, in all walks of my life, on whatever path He leads me- i am not alone. i have a Comforter, Healer, and King walking along the path with me. and for that i am eternally grateful.

even when my walk is not as it should be, being honest right now- it isn't... and in all things He is getting the glory- me falling apart right now? all because i am trying to run my life without Him... fail. my sin? trying to plan, create, and run things on my own time-line. not okay. when things don't go by my time, i should be praising Him- because my spectrum of sight is so small... i mean for real, think about it- would you rather have someone who has been around since the beginning of time planning your life or someone who has been on the earth for 20 years? ... i know- tough choice. when i start to feel the need for control i need to step back, take a deep breath, and gain some perspective.

tonight, while the world was going crazy around me, the only thing i could think about was praying. though i didn't even have the words to pray- i just felt my heart open and flood gates (literally) coming from my eyes. His provisions have provided me with people to pour into my life and my heart, and i was able to talk to a dear friend for a while and just have her pray for me, my family, and for sean and just cover us in prayer. at the end of our conversation i just felt relief and happiness. big sighs of relief and an ability to take deep breaths. i am so thankful for Him and the people that he has put into my life. i am also thankful for the catharsis of being able to write... i also apologize for the errors and typos that are all over this post, though, to be honest, i just don't feel like going back and editing them right now... maybe later... maybe. i don't know what it is about writing for me, but it has always been a way for me to get out my thoughts so that i can actually see what i am thinking... though sometimes i am not always so happy with what i find.

one thing that is for certain is that God is sovereign and has His hand over all things, sees my weakness and is here to comfort and protect me. i pray that i will not be so quick to be a negative nancy... but would, instead, try and be a postive patty in all that i do. thanks friends for reading this and thanks in advance for praying. i am still trying to work through issues my parents have with each other and trying to deal with the effects of that and how that looks in my life- sometimes it is easier than others. i do know, that my Father is here, with me, has penned the perfect story for my life- and that, is how i find rest. 

praise God from whom all blessings flow; praise Him, all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly host; praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. amen.

for His glory until the end.

just a thought.