Monday, February 28, 2011

bright green.

my eyes are hazel. sometimes they look brown, and other times they are a mix of gold a green. however, when i am upset, they are an undeniable shade of bright green. i don't know when i first noticed that when i cry my eyes turn bright green, however, i do remember using the fact that my eyes were green to describe to my mom how upset i was when i was in elementary school... and she knew what i meant.

on saturday morning i found out some of the hardest news that i have ever heard. sean called me and told me in the middle of the night my granny called my dad and that they headed over to her house. my grandfather had a heart attack in the middle of the night and he passed before the ambulance got there. through broken voice he told me this, as he was talking the only thing i could do was scream and cry out. i still feel like that is all i want to do. i didn't know that it was possible to cry this much. i thought that surely your tear-ducts would just run out of tears... but they don't. i couldn't think. i had no clue what i was supposed to do. i called my mom and then called my dad. by the time i called my dad the only thing i could do was cry into the phone and tlel him that i was so sorry. i tried to ask for details, but at the same time i knew that i didn't really want to know. i didn't want to believe that it was true... i now that it is. but i don't want it to be true with every fiber of my being. after sitting in my apartment for 4 hours alone and sobbing i packed up some clothes, sent e-mails to all of my professors and cooperating teacher, and hit the road. i couldn't stand sitting alone in my apartment waiting.

i cried the whole way home. the four hours in the car seemed like a flash of time. i barely remember driving. by the time i got home i just got out of the car and sobbed. so many thoughts were racing through my mind and i didn't know how to act. i only knew that i couldn't help but cry. i went over to my dad's house later that night and sat with him and cried. i cannot imagine what the rest of my family is going through right now. i haven't been able to go see my granny yet, i have only talked to her on the phone. i can't imagine what it is going to feel like to walk into her house and know that he isn't there anymore. to be honest, i am dreading it. i want my grandpa to give me a hug and wrap his arms around me. but i know that he cannot. i am comforted by the fact that he is now in heaven. i know that God is sovreign. i know that He is in control. i know that He is the author of life. i know that He is getting the glory. i am still grieving. and mourning. i keep singing "great is thy faithfulness" over and over in my head. i sing out loud until i break down. i want to sing "it is well." my heart and head are saying the words, but when i try i cannot get them out. it is always easy to say, "God is in control" when you find yourself on the downhill side of a struggle and things are looking up... it is much harder to force yourself to keep singing that when things are hard. extremely hard.

i haven't been able to look through photo albums yet. i have one picture in a frame from my five year old birthday party with my grandpa. i am going to try and find more tomorrow. he has the friendliest face and clear blue eyes. i wish that in this picture of him and my granny you could see them.
i miss this man so much. i love this picture because he is laughing, i can hear the way he laughs when i look at this picture. it doesn't feel real. i feel like at any moment this is all going to be over. i know better. i know that it isn't. death is not the final word. sin has lost its power and death has lost its sting because of Jesus. i praise Him for giving me my grandpa. i love him so much. even though things don't make sense when i look at my perspective, i know that God has an eternal picture. he sees all in the blink of an eye. 

his funeral is on wednesday and the burial is on thursday at beaufort national cemetery. i know that things are going to feel real by then. i would ask that if you think about it, please pray for my family, specifically for my dad and for my granny. it is hard to talk to either of them. when i saw my dad every emotion came pouring out. i need strength. i am trusting in Him to get me through this and to hold me up.

do you not know? have you not heard? the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 
-isaiah 40:28-31

right now, my eyes are still bright green. 

just a thought.

Monday, February 21, 2011

miscellany monday.

this past weekend we had valentine's day... the original plan was to not exchange gifts since we are not exactly rolling in extra cash, but i decided to surprise sean with a small valentine present. when i told him that he didn't seem too alarmed, and just said that he would get me something small since i got him a little something. when i went to target to get valentine's wrapping it was all 75% off because it was the week after valentine's day (score!) so i grabbed a bag and some tissue because it was practically free. the bag was huge so i found these two ridiculous bride and groom stuffed animal bears to throw into the bag, thinking that sean would really be impressed with the large bag... little did i know that i was about to be instantly humbled. i wrapped up his present, thinking that he would be so impressed and then feel silly for giving me a bag of candy... so, he opens up my present and gets very excited, i then wait for my present. i didn't see anything on him when he came in, so i just figured that he was planning on waiting until saturday (which was the original plan). then, after a few moments sean pulls out a small white box from a jewelry store, following that box he then pulls another one from his bag. i started freaking out. i was instantly humbled. the presents that he had for me were far better than what i got for him and i felt so ridiculous thinking that i was being so cunning with my giant bag of tricks. 
so this is my present to sean... 
and here is what he gave me... so beautiful! it is the necklace and earring set that i wanted to wear in the wedding and have for my bridal portraits! he was just going to surprise me and give them to me right before my portraits, but then decided to give me my present early when i told him i got him something small... what a trickster.

the next day we went downtown and had lunch at blossom... it was so yummy! i have been wanting to try it for so long- we went for lunch because dinner would have totally broken the bank (as if my present hasn't already!). the rest of the day we just walked around and enjoyed the incredible weather! it was in the 70's... in february... incredible!

i am so excited for the new warm weather- cannot wait to enjoy outside! my friend lindsey and i have been trying to walk outside more since the weather has been a little warmer... i must admit that i have really enjoyed that!

anything exciting or random going on with your life? link up and share the randomness!
Miscellany Monday @ lowercase letters

just a thought.

Monday, February 14, 2011

happy valentine's day!

enjoy this valentine that my mama sent me! i was always that little girl growing up... haha.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.
-Ephesians 2:4-7

just a thought.

Friday, February 11, 2011

100 days [and counting].

holy cow... 100 days and then the wedding will officially be here! i cannot believe it. there is still so much that needs to be done before then, but i know that it will all get finished (i hope!). it seems like, for the most part, the planning stuff is finished and now it is just fine tuning- hopefully i haven't forgotten some crucial piece of the wedding... if you come and you notice i did forget something, be a dear and don't mention it! ;) 

at this point one shower is scheduled, two are pending, i've started my dress fittings, my bridal portrait is scheduled, and the florist has the basic concept of what we want. i am so pleased with each and every one of the vendors that we have chosen... everyone has been a dream to work with! at this point the "big deal" item left unchecked is the program design. i got a quote from the same place that did my invitations, but it was just too crazy (like $500 crazy...). that might not seem like a huge lump sum, but it was just more than i would like to spend on programs... while i will save and cherish mine, i know that no one else will (it is ok, my feelings aren't hurt). i would love to get the programs from the same shop because i have basically grown up in that shop and love the women there, but i am thinking that we will just find a different path... like *shudder* design them myself (with lots and lots of guidance).

school right now isn't too insane. i am in my semester before student teaching, it is referred to as "block" because it literally blocks out all of your time... no lie. on monday i am in clemson classes from 830 to 4ish, tuesday i am in a 6th grade class from 745 until 245, wednesday i am in class from 9 to 130, thursday i am in 6th grade from 745 to 245, and then friday class from 9 to 12... not horrible, but still a lot. my planner and i are basically bffs (cannot believe that i just used that term... i am going to blame it on the fact that my major circle of influence right now is currently people who still have friend journals and are 11/12...). i am sort of waiting for the "storm" of this semester to come... hopefully it just won't (wishful thinking, i am afraid).

in fun news we have signed a lease for an apartment in clemson! it starts may 1st so that we can move everything from my current apartment to the new one without having to store anything somewhere and still gives me plenty of time to be home before the wedding to do last minute details! we also have our official marriage license... it is all safe and sound in a plastic paper saver (sheet protector) in the "wedding binder"... it was freezing cold when we went to get it, but we, of course, stopped to take a quick picture with the receipt to come pick it up... kind of lame, yes- but i am glad that we did because we couldn't pick up the real deal together because of all of the snow (yes, snow) in charleston that week!
i hope that you have a wonderful weekend! any big plans!?

just a thought.
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