as i am writing this post, i have no idea what i am going to write. today has been, for a lack of a better word, rough. there have been crazy emotions, lots of tears, and honestly, for the most part i have just been wishing that i could crawl back into the solitude of my bed and hide under the covers to let the storm pass, however, that hasn't been an option- life continues to go on with or without my permission. which then brings me back to square one. timing. i have this problem, i would like to call it sin. because that is what it is. i am a sinner. i would rather take things, put them in a box, and then open them and arrange them how i see fit... but that is not the answer. i am not my rule maker. i am not the Perfect planner. i am not the Creator of the universe... thankfully, those titles have been fulfilled and that role is taken by Him. in all things, in all walks of my life, on whatever path He leads me- i am not alone. i have a Comforter, Healer, and King walking along the path with me. and for that i am eternally grateful.
even when my walk is not as it should be, being honest right now- it isn't... and in all things He is getting the glory- me falling apart right now? all because i am trying to run my life without Him... fail. my sin? trying to plan, create, and run things on my own time-line. not okay. when things don't go by my time, i should be praising Him- because my spectrum of sight is so small... i mean for real, think about it- would you rather have someone who has been around since the beginning of time planning your life or someone who has been on the earth for 20 years? ... i know- tough choice. when i start to feel the need for control i need to step back, take a deep breath, and gain some perspective.
tonight, while the world was going crazy around me, the only thing i could think about was praying. though i didn't even have the words to pray- i just felt my heart open and flood gates (literally) coming from my eyes. His provisions have provided me with people to pour into my life and my heart, and i was able to talk to a dear friend for a while and just have her pray for me, my family, and for sean and just cover us in prayer. at the end of our conversation i just felt relief and happiness. big sighs of relief and an ability to take deep breaths. i am so thankful for Him and the people that he has put into my life. i am also thankful for the catharsis of being able to write... i also apologize for the errors and typos that are all over this post, though, to be honest, i just don't feel like going back and editing them right now... maybe later... maybe. i don't know what it is about writing for me, but it has always been a way for me to get out my thoughts so that i can actually see what i am thinking... though sometimes i am not always so happy with what i find.
one thing that is for certain is that God is sovereign and has His hand over all things, sees my weakness and is here to comfort and protect me. i pray that i will not be so quick to be a negative nancy... but would, instead, try and be a postive patty in all that i do. thanks friends for reading this and thanks in advance for praying. i am still trying to work through issues my parents have with each other and trying to deal with the effects of that and how that looks in my life- sometimes it is easier than others. i do know, that my Father is here, with me, has penned the perfect story for my life- and that, is how i find rest.
praise God from whom all blessings flow; praise Him, all creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly host; praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. amen.
for His glory until the end.
just a thought.